This is such a compelling story. It made me reflect on those times when we feel a sudden urge to do something or be somewhere, and what truly lies behind that feeling. I have no doubt that we can influence others and their choices through the power of our intention and energy.
Also, I am certain your father loves you, even if he has suppressed his ability to show it.
It's a feel-good story, with some emphasis on a father-son relationship, which I always enjoy.
A couple observations: your first-person narrative is good, but it lacks intimate emotion in places.
With a FPN I expect the narrative to be more *revealing* FPN gives the reader a chance to really know a protagonist. Reveal deeper thoughts.
From a writing standpoint, your prose is good, and I like that you avoid adverbs 😀
But, your sentences are long-winded in places.
Example:
"Aunty Mary was blinded with the desire to be home, which was caused by the ceremonial ritual being done in the village back in Nigeria and aunty Mary insisted she needed to be home, being generous as always, the rich lady gave aunty Mary some cash for the flight ticket back home to Nigeria and wished her off, being so unfortunate aunty Mary boarded a Ghanaian airplane and landed in Ghana, with no idea what or why she was going back home, feeling confused and frustrated with herself, she had no idea what to do after wards, luckily for her the people around the airport saw her and decided to help her get back home, while the people around tried to help aunty Mary, she couldn’t explain why nor where she was going to, all aunty Mary could say was “HOME”, Looking at her passport the people around understood she was Nigerian and from Delta state, the good people surrounding her did all they could do to make sure she gets back home to Delta state, Nigeria."
That's a helluva run-on sentence if I've ever read one! Chop up the writing a bit. And try to avoid forgettable details. It's FPN but feels like it drifts into 3rd person limited in places. A reader can get lost in the weeds, like in the sentence above.
So, more first-person emotion, shorter sentences and stay focused on FPN and the characters' real emotions and observations, and less 3rd person limited external observations.
Good luck! There's an important story in there somewhere. Focus on one or two things and nail them.
Thank you so much for your honest thoughts on this… I believe I have a long way to go on my journey and I know with time and more practice I would definitely hit the nail in the head.
What an interesting story, its just unfortunate that Traditional wisdom was lost and trampled down on
The pain is evident in the writing. Also, the universal truth- when did anything ever last forever! Thanks for sharing.
This is such a compelling story. It made me reflect on those times when we feel a sudden urge to do something or be somewhere, and what truly lies behind that feeling. I have no doubt that we can influence others and their choices through the power of our intention and energy.
Also, I am certain your father loves you, even if he has suppressed his ability to show it.
Thank you so much for giving me a read… I believe with time all leafs turn either for better or for worst
It's a feel-good story, with some emphasis on a father-son relationship, which I always enjoy.
A couple observations: your first-person narrative is good, but it lacks intimate emotion in places.
With a FPN I expect the narrative to be more *revealing* FPN gives the reader a chance to really know a protagonist. Reveal deeper thoughts.
From a writing standpoint, your prose is good, and I like that you avoid adverbs 😀
But, your sentences are long-winded in places.
Example:
"Aunty Mary was blinded with the desire to be home, which was caused by the ceremonial ritual being done in the village back in Nigeria and aunty Mary insisted she needed to be home, being generous as always, the rich lady gave aunty Mary some cash for the flight ticket back home to Nigeria and wished her off, being so unfortunate aunty Mary boarded a Ghanaian airplane and landed in Ghana, with no idea what or why she was going back home, feeling confused and frustrated with herself, she had no idea what to do after wards, luckily for her the people around the airport saw her and decided to help her get back home, while the people around tried to help aunty Mary, she couldn’t explain why nor where she was going to, all aunty Mary could say was “HOME”, Looking at her passport the people around understood she was Nigerian and from Delta state, the good people surrounding her did all they could do to make sure she gets back home to Delta state, Nigeria."
That's a helluva run-on sentence if I've ever read one! Chop up the writing a bit. And try to avoid forgettable details. It's FPN but feels like it drifts into 3rd person limited in places. A reader can get lost in the weeds, like in the sentence above.
So, more first-person emotion, shorter sentences and stay focused on FPN and the characters' real emotions and observations, and less 3rd person limited external observations.
Good luck! There's an important story in there somewhere. Focus on one or two things and nail them.
Thank you so much for your honest thoughts on this… I believe I have a long way to go on my journey and I know with time and more practice I would definitely hit the nail in the head.
Practice makes perfect…The real writing is in the rewriting! Good luck 👍
Absolutely… this is why i write to bring meaning and belonging to my readers and followers.
Am so thankful you gave me a read.
Truly I never give meaning to my pieces. I write it to gain meaning from it.
So honestly I believe you the reader knows more then I do on my pieces